For Adult Only (Khusus Dewasa)

For Adult Only (Khusus Dewasa)


Egotastic! The Sexy Side Of Celebrity Gossip

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 07:19 PM PDT

Egotastic! The Sexy Side Of Celebrity Gossip


Mr. Skin Whack-It Bracket Best Boobs Challenge, You Can’t Win If You Don’t Play

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 02:08 PM PDT

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If you’re like me, you’re sitting on Kentucky as your last team left in your 17th-20th place finish office bracket. Hopefully, you’re not like me. Except that you really do lust celebrity funbags. Which is nothing but admirable in my book. Mr. Skin, has combined the thirst for chest with the March Madness basketball mania into the Mr. Skin Whack-It Bracket challenge which allows you to vote for your favorites celebrity ladies of the ta-ta’s, help pick a bracket winner, and maybe win yourself a Go-Pro camera in the process.

This is kind of like entering the Wonka candy factory, except you get to drink from the chocolate river. And it’s not chocolate, it’s especially hot chesty melons. That’s how my candy factory would be, I assure you.

VOTE NOW. Vote often. Win yourself a camera and take some pictures of you hot neighbor who keeps forgetting to pull down her shades. It didn’t happen if you don’t send me copies! Enjoy.

Doutzen Kroes Bends Over in a Perfectly Fitting Swimsuit

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 01:58 PM PDT

Doutzen Kroes in a swimsuit is a thing. Doutzen Kroes bending over forward and back in the same swimsuit, that’s a big thing. This perfect piece of Victoria’s Secret modeling sextastic looks spectacular in any old bit of rag, but linger or swimsuits are where she makes her bones, not to mention those of many a gentleman ogler along the beach. A few years back Doutzen quietly slipped from hottie into MILFtastic land without missing a single beat or hint of visual wonderment. Her amazing body and alluring looks and a booty that simply is small and powerful adds up to a whole greater than any sum of its parts. I’m sure she’s here mostly to play with her kids. But they had their turn on her teat. How about stepping aside you selfish creatures and letting some of us beseechers have a go. Your mommy belongs to the world. Someday you’ll understand. Enjoy. Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Bethenny Frankel Bikini Pictures Reveal the Nipples of a Mom Who Keeps Herself in Playing Shape

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 01:05 PM PDT

As always, I will grant you, there are certain parts of Bethenny Frankel that clearly did not come with the original purchase. That being said, let she who is without upgrade cast the first scalpel. There’s still the fine art of staying in shape and buying bikinis to small for your Funions, and being willing to show off your team made body for all the boys on the beach to inch one step closer to manhood. Lots of moving parts, and some just jiggling or poking.

Bethenny Frankel took her skinny forty-something mom in bikini routine to Miami Beach and appeared to either be excited by the prospects or experiencing a case of the cold water on headlights because her nipples were poking right through her bikini top. I’m pretty sure they’re designed to avoid such a visual display, but nipple don’t exist to be tamed. Certainly not these swollen wonders. Bethenny, maybe lay off the Midtown Manhattan doctor visits for a while, but please keep up the bikini work. Between me and your high beams, we definitely need this. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Gia Genevieve Sultry Topless Perfection in Playboy

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 12:46 PM PDT

Click To See Uncensored

I kind of became enamored of the photoshoot we shared last week of beautiful bombshell Gia Genevieve baring skin, so I just had to ask the good folks at PlayboyPlus if we could take a peek at her cover shoot photo for the magazine. Because, you know, we like a girls. A lot. They obliged and the results are rather faptastic. Wow, those funbags need to be cast in bronze for eternity, or just my grabby hands for five minutes, whichever seems more suitable. Just simply perfect. Quite the memorable shoot.

Get PlayboyPlus for Just $5.83 a Month for Annual Subscription!

I have Facebook so I know how many people find visual splendor in waterfalls and strange vacation homes and miniature donkeys, but for me, the most stunning life changing and mind altering images remain that of crazy hot nekkid women put on this planet by super intelligent friendly aliens in order to see us smile. I think that’s how it happens. Thank you, friendly aliens. This one is absolutely phenomenal. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Playboy Plus

Rumer Willis See Through Bootysuit For DWTS

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 12:34 PM PDT

Look, I’m not too big a man to admit their aren’t certain parts of ballroom dancing that can appeal to the Egotastic male. Such as the costumery on some of the more booty ripe and worked out female celebrities and dancers. Even Rumer Willis got into the action with her see-through sequin number that showed off her two powerful cheeks of dancing goodness and a body that certainly looks like she hit the gym with prior to her dance show application.

Everybody knows dancers have great bodies, lean and flexible and strong. It’s just the dancing part I have trouble with. Call me jaded, but if she’s not on the main stage or the side stage or delivering a platter full of overpriced Heineken’s, I just don’t see the beauty in the art form so much. Nevertheless, I do know a thing or two about sweet celebrity booty cheeks and Rumer Willis definitely has herself a pert pair. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Zoe Kravitz In Bondage Gear And Other Fine Things To Ogle

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 12:17 PM PDT

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Zoe Kravitz dons sexy bondage gear for Complex Magazine. (COED)

Taylor Swift goes hiking in shorty shorts. (TMZ)

Doutzen Kroes shows off her sexy bikini body. (Drunken Stepfather)

Angelina Jolie dresses sexier than she should at Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards. (Dlisted)

Oregon State dancer Mia Butler is suuupppeeerrr hot. (Busted Coverage)

Pics of girls sexily putting on their pants. (The Chive)

Jennifer Lopez‘s booty is a thing of perfection. (Popoholic)

More Hailee Steinfeld Sleek Modeling Hotness

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 12:03 PM PDT

Just when you fall in lust with now 18-year old Hailee Steinfeld photos from Dani Brubaker, along come some more from the set even more sextastic than the previous. Life is like that sometimes. Like a box of chocolates if you really wanted to do some naughty things with your box of chocolates.

Hailee Steinfeld is one of those girls we’re going to see getting all grow’d up in photos and onscreen. Her future is bright talent wise, and as she matures into a woman who can carry off these kinds of alluring shoots with even greater knowing appeal, she should start booking better and bigger gigs. This like seeing the bean sprout before it grows into whatever bean sprouts grow into. I really am feeling blessed. Hailee Steinfeld, I’ve got my eyes on you. Feel the burn. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Dani Brubaker

Kaley Cuoco, Iggy Azalea And Willow Shields Bare Midriffs At The Kids’ Choice Awards 2015

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 09:15 AM PDT

I’ll be the first to admit I might just be a tad past the demographic for the Kids’ Choice Awards on Nickelodeon. My idea of sliming a beautiful woman is well past the mature audience range for what the kids are expecting when they watch that show. Nevertheless, the annual event does bring out some serious Hollywood hotties even if they are compelled to dress rather G-rated for the event, that doesn’t mean they can’t flash a little bit of heavenly midriff and legs and such (funbags ever on mostly hidden status).

When ladies such as Kaley Cuoco and Iggy Azalea and Willow Shields and other members of young sextastic Celebrityville start showing up on your red carpet, please invite me over as well. It’s good to see the next generation of outstandingly hot women are well on their way to filling our future vaults. Some stupid awards were given out, but the real prize was taken home once again by the gentleman oglers, who got an eyeful, sans slime. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Hitman- Codename 47

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 09:12 AM PDT

Hitman- Codename 47

As we know, Solid Snake is the master of video game stealth. Armed only with a cardboard box, a 'gentleman's publication' or two to distract the guards with and a fairly shit beard, there is no mission this guy can't accomplish. Sure, he might waste a little time hiding in a locker like a big hairy-faced girl, but them's the breaks.

Nevertheless, there's another titan of the genre who just doesn't get enough recognition. This being, of course, the badass cloned assassin they call Agent 47. Our ol' baldy barcode buddy has been doing things Snake never dreamed of since 2000. Let's take a look back at the first in the series.

Hitman: Codename 47 hit the PC back in 2000. It introduces the main man himself, awakening in a Romanian sanatorium after being ruthlessly cloned and experimented on by… some unscrupulous dudes or other. While locked away, he hones the skills needed to become a master assassin; finally surprising nobody by murdering his way to escaping the hospital.

In the outside world, 47 soon becomes a professional hitman, and is contracted to take out four high-profile criminal dudes across the planet. Which is where things get effing serious.

Controls are a little funky, using a kind of FPS-style scheme and a third-person perspective. The Agent's movements are a little stunted, strafe-y and forward-y, something a little like the famously craptastic tank controls of Resident Evil. So what you don't want is to be attempting to haul ass away from the scene with seventeen guards in tow, firing buckshot into your asscheeks. Stealth is the name of the game.

Hitman- Codename 47 2

Movement may be a little restrictive, but the open world nature of the levels and freeform approach to them gives you a lot of freedom. As long as your target's met some kind of deathtastically grisly death, and you haven't, it doesn't matter how they meet this end. Screw Minecraft, Hitman is where the real up-to-the-player's-imagination gameplay is at.

This has always been central to the series. To gain access to your fancy-ass targets, who of course have all the VIP badges/groupies/henchmen they could ever want, you'll need a crafty approach. From stealing a santa outfit and infiltrating as the big jolly bastard himself to lethal shenanigans with electric fences, everything is possible.

The guntastic approach can also work, if you want to Arnold Schwarzenegger your way through the guards, but it's dangerous and not cost effective at all. Civilian casualties and such are deducted from your pay on each hit, and it's this you must use to equip yourself for the next mission.

The open-ended approach gives Hitman much of its replayability, and a heaping helping of crazy death compilations on Youtube. But most importantly, it set up a long running series, it's a classic of the genre and a revolutionary game that still holds up.

Jodie Gasson Topless Striptease in Brilliant Yellow

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 08:48 AM PDT

Click To See Uncensored

Jodie Gasson boobtastic just makes me smile. She seems so pleased with her plump pair that I become pleased right along with her. They’re hardly a burden, they’re her garden of goodness, the signpost on the door way to her exhibition of the fine female form, all wrapped, and then beautifully unwrapped in one striking yellow bikini top you just know can’t contain them. Funbags are a blessing, not just for the bearer, but for the world. That sounds like hyperbole, but someday you’ll see that it’s an understatement.

I’ve lusted the full bodied curves of Jodie Gasson since first I laid peeps about her teats of specialness. Those round mounts of visual wonderments attached to the loveliest of lasses who provides good feelings to millions and asks nothing in return save for perhaps a polite, thank you, ma’am. These are the deals that enrich are lives and make us thankful for the gift of vision. As for the gift of touch, you might just need to present that to yourself today. Please do remember to lay down the plastic sheeting. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Jodie Gasson


Lada Kravchenko Booty Cheek Peeks In See Through Lingerie

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 08:06 AM PDT

Let me see, hot blowing up Russian model in see-through lingerie. Yep, that’ll inspire a man to build a cabin or become a world leader, perhaps drop that final five pounds doing power aerobics class at the gym next to that other guy in those nylon shorts. The power of beautiful women to motivate the less fair gender is nothing short of remarkable. Right now, Lada Kravchenko mostly makes me want to chew on a piece of leather so I don’t bite my tongue.

The young Moscow native turning international photographer favorite shot ever so effortlessly, but sextastic crazy in this Erik Tranberg shoot for Satiety Paper. Every time I see a fine female form thusly and booty hot in lingerie, I’m reminded why lingerie was invented in the first place. I know, women want to feel like women. But there are many a man who also want to feel women. Wait, that came out exactly right. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Erik Tranberg For Satiety Paper

Alessandra Ambrosio Super Legs Super Hot For a Party I Never Got Invited To

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 08:00 AM PDT

Ah, Alessandra Ambrosio. A day in which you don’t come across my desk at Egotastic headquarters is like a day without sunshine. Alessandra is probably in my top three favorite professional hot people. In these pics, she was spotted at a birthday party wearing a very short dress. Like, just south of her hoo-ha short. The result was that you could see a lot of those long silky legs of hers. I wouldn’t mind having those bad boys wrapped around me in the morning. Or evening. Really anytime of the day or night. We talk a lot about thumpers and funbags here on the site and rightly so. But a woman’s legs are a feature that rarely gets mentioned on other lesser sites. But we know what’s up here.

Alessandra just gave me the best birthday present by showing off those legs. Not that it’s my birthday but it feels like it is thanks to these pics.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Lauren Stoner Major Beach Booty Cheeks In Black Thong Swimsuit

Posted: 31 Mar 2015 07:32 AM PDT

Professional hot person Lauren Stoner hit the beach in a black thong bikini that left little to the imagination. That’s fine with me because I think when it comes to sexy ladies the imagination is overrated. The top created some lovely cleav action. Lauren has a nice pair of what I call happy perkies. They are the kind of boobies you want to hang out with on a sunny day and motorboat under a tree in the park. But the real news was downstairs where the thong bikini bottom accentuated her luscious booty. And by accentuate I mean that it showed it off almost completely. Lauren has a pretty solid thumper and I for one would like to wear it as a hat.

What a glorious time of year it is when all the hotties come out of hibernation and slip into their sexy swimsuits. Spring has sprung and my swimsuit area is happy.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Shit Show Almost Fixed

Posted: 30 Mar 2015 10:23 PM PDT

I apologize for the extended season of errors on the site. The best I can tell you is sacrifices must be made when running a free site these days. We don’t get the gold service package, we get the bronze, more like polished tin. The errors you have been seeing when nobly trying to view super attractive women will be gone soon. I can’t promise something else won’t bust on this lovable jalopy, but try to keep your eyes focused on the prize. Prizes.

I’ll keep the content coming if you can allow for just a bit more patience. Actually, I’ll keep the content coming either way. This is kind of all I ever wanted to do in life. Enjoy.

Bill.

Nathalie Emmanuel Is Smoking Hot In GQ And Other Fine Things To Ogle

Posted: 30 Mar 2015 12:00 PM PDT

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Game of Thrones’ Nathalie Emmanuel is hotter than dragon fire. (Huffington Post)

Eddie Murphy’s girlfriend Paige Butcher is super sexy in a bikini. (TMZ)

This new Jurassic Park World trailer looks badass. (Dlisted)

Megan Fox proves she still has it in this sexy photoshoot in Harper’s Bazaar. (COED)

Rick Fowler’s girl Alexis Randock is bikinirific. (Busted Coverage)

Let’s start the week off with some huge swingin’ boobies. (The Chive)

Kylie Jenner Instagrams a bikini pic. Does that girl ever wear clothes? (Drunken Stepfather)

A Beginner’s Guide to not Sucking at ‘Bloodborne’

Posted: 30 Mar 2015 11:08 AM PDT

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How's your first week with Bloodborne gone? Swearily, probably, with lots of the You Died screen. But fear not. If you're getting your gonads skewered by demonic entities, Open World Games are here to help with some tip-tacular.

From Software's previous fare, the legendary Dark Souls and Demon's Souls, are not kind to beginners, and we had no reason to expect Bloodborne to be. And we were right, buddy boy, because it isn't. Think of it as gaming Monster Hunter style: you're given a little quick half-assed tutorial, and before you know it a raging Rathian is chewing on your scrote.

The spangly new PS4 exclusive is in the same boat. The early moments are the toughest, as you try to make sense of levelling and combat systems, menu-fiddling and orienting yourself in the Gothic city of Yharnam.

From the first boss, the Cleric Beast, this one means effing business. Before you get frustrated and leave what is in many ways a fantastic game, Check out this quick 'get your shit together' guide to starting Bloodborne the right way. The first boss, the mysteries of the Abandoned Doll and more.

Kaley Cuoco Flashing Abs and Cleave After Workout

Posted: 30 Mar 2015 10:56 AM PDT

Yep, Kaley Cuoco, we are proud of your body as well. You’ve been working out hard. We’ve been ogling hard. I’d say we’re both in fine working order now as it relates to your tight abs and those yum yums of yours you only slightly tease these days since you got married and signed the big contract. But we both know, you’ve got serious hot skin to show. The sextastic doesn’t care about business necessity or promises to spouses. This body years to be free. I mean yours, not mine. Mine fine in it’s solitary confinement.

I’d be naive not to notice the relationship to how much our favorite celebrities workout and how much skin and booty they show off after workouts when facing the paparazzi. And good for them I say. Without ego there is no Egotastic! We rely on the kindness of attention seeking strangers. Like Kaley Cuoco, and that firm body of hers that could probably use a firm but sensual massage post-workout. I’m warming my hands to 98.6 degrees as we speak. She’ll barely notice I’m there. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

‘Mortal Kombat X’ Gets its Cowboy on With New Guy Erron Black

Posted: 30 Mar 2015 09:15 AM PDT

Mortal Kombat X- Erron Black

Mortal Kombat's Stryker is, frankly, a bit shit. Looking remarkably 'ordinary' compared to the rest of the cast, and having no powers of any kind, the cop is a real ill fit. No offense to fans of the guy, but he really does add a Village People air to the whole thing.

A much more sensible choice, natch, would be… a cowboy. Meet Erron Black.

I'm a little conflicted here. On the one hand, this guy's just as likely to break out into song ("Macho, macho man! I've got to be a macho man!"), but on the other he's more the Clint Eastwood, badass kind of cowboy. Most importantly for Mortal Kombat, he's a violent, violent bastard. The clip below showcases the new character, and he looks a ton of fun to play.

We can't blame him for the ballachingly cheesy pre-fight dialogue, that's just how these games work. After that, it's all gold. Sweet, sweet ridiculous gold. Those quick-shootin' combos? The 'throws' involving several speeding bullets to the face? That look-how-many-internal-organs-my-bullet-is-destroying x-ray attack? It'd be rude to refuse. Take a look, and judge the new boy for yourself.

Bella Thorne Bright Bare Midriff Ginger Show in Manhattan

Posted: 30 Mar 2015 08:59 AM PDT

Not to be outdone by her teen counterparts in the business, Bella Thorne braved the quite cold N.Y.C. environs to hit The View with a bare midriff bright colored show off outfit that caught the attention of Manhattan for ups to six city blocks. It’s quite the sacrifice by Bella; I hope she knows how much we appreciate the public performance. As for The View, you know I couldn’t bring myself to watch that bickering drivel.

Bella has really come into her own these past several months, already precocious and working from an early age, not to mention dating and jetting around the world with boys, currently Pam Anderson’s kid who she’s dating. But in terms of her public persona craft, this ginger has definitely figured out how the game works. Today’s game is ogling the starlet and girl in about ten different movies at the moment. I believe Bella has won this round. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Elle Fanning Prefers the Short Skirts and Bare Midriff When Out and About

Posted: 30 Mar 2015 08:45 AM PDT

I don’t know how to tell Dakota this, but Elle is not only right on her heels, she’s in high danger of passing the accomplishments of her older sister both onscreen and off, despite her generally modest demure. None of the Fanning girls are particularly showy in their general public appearance, but neither are into covering up either beyond the normal hippy chic standards. Which means at some point, when she’s of the proper age, you’ll probably see Elle in even less or lighter clothing than she currently rolls in now around town for lunches and workouts and all the other things I never got to do at her age.

In sharp contrast to those reality girls from Calabasas, Elle does seem quite content to be a high school student even while filming numerous movie features and being a general future bigger time celebrity in waiting. It’s amazing what kinds of time you might find when you’re not partying in the clubs late night or jetting off to Dubai for a dubious pimping trip with the family and cameras. She seems grounded. Also, rather pretty. Her future is mega bright for this pale wonder. We shall be watching. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Sextastic Blonde Bombshell Charlotte McKinney Arrives To Dancing With The Stars Rehearsal In Short Shorts

Posted: 30 Mar 2015 08:00 AM PDT

I am of the opinion that Charlotte McKinney may be the hottest woman in America. If not #1 then certainly in the top 3. Exhibit A of my claim is this little ensemble she wore to practice for Dancing with the Stars. Those legendary funbags were prominently featured in a low cut crop top shirt with just a hint of sideboob. Who needs a bra when your boobs are that amazing? Mere mortals with lesser boobage, that’s who. Her bare mid-riff was also showing and it was glorious. I would very much like to lay my head on that belly. Why? Because either way you turn your head you are in for a visual treat. But let’s not forget about her legs in those shorty shorts. They are nicely toned thanks in no small part to all that dancing she’s doing.

While I’m not a fan of Dancing With The Stars, I really should start watching it to support my girl Charlotte. After all, we all need people to cheer us on even if we have bodacious ta-tas.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Photographer Terry Osterhout Releases ‘I Love Liz La Point: 5 Years Of Art And Love’

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 12:16 PM PDT

Click To See Uncensored

There’s something admirable about a man who adores his wife. There’s something even more admirable about a man who takes nekkid pictures of his wife to express his adoration and then shares them with the world. As with long time Egotastic! Reader and fine female photographer Terry Osterhout who has compiled his past five year’s of photos of his beloved muse and life partner Liz La Point in a compendium color gloss book. Yeah, you better believe that’s better than buying your wife flowers from the guy at the freeway offramp on the way home for your anniversary.

I am now the grateful owner of a copy of ‘I Love Liz La Point: 5 Years of Art and Love’ here in the Egotastic! hideout. I’d urge you to consider the same, a sampling of which is here in the attached gallery. Enjoy.

For information on model Liz and the book, check out the Liz La Point official website.

Photo Credit: Terry Osterhout

READER FINDS: Amy Smart Topless, Bambi Northwood-Blyth Topless, Madonna Topless, and Much Much More…

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 12:03 PM PDT

Click To See Uncensored

Hooray for Friday, the day that makes all other days of the week pretty much it’s bitch every time it rolls around. Perhaps it was born with privilege, but it works hard to keep it’s rep. It’s why we honor the day by opening up the Reader email bag of happiness and tingly feelings. I really am pretty sure I hear the angels sing when I pull back the goldenrod colored strings and the reader contributions pour out. It might be in my head. I do often hear voices. I’m sure I’m fine. Hide your pets.

This week’s Reader Finds includes the deliciously blonde and topless Amy Smart (from the goodness of EgoReader ‘Ben’), Ana Alexander and friends in the highly underrated formerly awesome show Chemistry (lovely lasses topless via ‘Jeremy R.’), the beautiful Bambi Northwood Blyth topless in not one, but two exquisite pictorials (thumper be happy thanks to ‘Eren’), some early nekkid modeling shots of Latina hottie Bruna Mendes (from the mind of ‘Alonso E.’), the red hot Carmen Kass topless for Vogue back in the day with a kicker of Paraguayan delight Larissa Riquelme topless (much kudos to ‘David M.’ for both), skinny Euro model Franzi Mueller flashing her natural nubs (swell bit of the slender sextastic from ‘Jeeba’), Kelly Curran funbags of perfection on screen (thank you kindly to ‘Bennet’), Lindsay Ellingson alluring in a bit of lingerie (underrated hotness dropped off by ‘Jenny’), Madonna topless in the screen gem Body of Evidence (okay, so film, not so good, but ta’s… thanks to ‘Aaron W.’), Penelope Cruz big guns bare in early film work (oh, en fuego ta’s from ‘Stephen P.’), and last, but holy heck not least, numerous killer photos of of busty Asian model who EgoReader ‘Henny’ couldn’t quite name, but already forgiven, you’ll know why if you make it to the end. Enjoy.

J-Lo Is A Vision In Leather And Other Fine Things To Ogle

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 12:00 PM PDT

Jennifer Lopez At The American Idol Studio

Jennifer Lopez wears a cleavtacular leather dress and it is amazeballs. (Huffington Post)

Speaking of cleav, let’s all celebrate National Cleavage Day 2015 with pics of big boobies. (COED)

Abigail Ratchford‘s hooters so large that it’s mind boggling. (TMZ)

On Rihanna’s new album cover she forgets to wear a shirt. (Dlisted)

The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders show off their team logo bikinis. (Busted Coverage)

Hot girls taking scantily clad selfies in the mirror is what makes life worth living. (The Chive)

Chrystal Heffner has got some big ‘ol funbags. Big surprise. (The Superficial)

Danny Trejo Opens Up A Taco Stand In LA

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 11:53 AM PDT

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One of my favorite actors, Danny Trejo, is taking time out from killing narcos with a machete to open a taco stand in LA. The restaurant will be called Trejo's Tacos and features the grizzled face of the lovable rogue as its logo. The first location will be housed in an old Taco Bell on South La Brea and Olympic in Los Angeles. They ripped out the garish Taco Bell decor, that looks not unlike a bus station in Arizona in the 70′s, and replaced it with "black Venetian plaster, black leather upholstered seating, and custom black-and-blue tile murals will create a vibe somewhere between hip urban taqueria and biker bar." Sounds appealing. I would eat the eff out of some Danny Trejo tacos. I bet he kills all the meat himself by giving it a dirty look.

I hope he expands to New York. I would go there every day for lunch in the hope that his toughness essence enters into my soul and makes me muy macho.

On Video Game Dongs

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 11:49 AM PDT

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When I was about ten years old I was introduced to a game called Custer’s Revenge at the house of a friend of mine. You know the kind of kid with really bad parents that don’t supervise them at all. The game had the notorious reputation of being both lewd, violent, and kinda racist. The game involves George Armstrong Custer trying to cross the screen with a raging hard-on. If he can avoid all the arrows being shot at him he gets to rape a tied up Native American girl. He also had a game called Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em, in which a man on top of a building ejaculates semen into the mouths of two women waiting below with open mouths. I knew what I was seeing was dirty, but I also knew deep down that there was something deeply distrubing about the whole thing.

Later, I played the game Leisure Suit Larry in which you play the eponymous hero trying to get laid. This game had only mild misogyny and the sex was all consensual at least. In the years since there have been several games with gratuitous male junk. The folks at Kotaku compiled the “best” of them. Enjoy your trip down donger lane.

Can ‘Mortal Kombat X’ Top the Best of the Last Game’s Fatalities?

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 11:48 AM PDT

Mortal Kombat Fatalities

That's Mortal Kombat as in 2011's Mortal Kombat, not Mortal Kombat as in Mortal Kombat the franchise as a whole. This is why it should've officially been named Mortal Kombat 9, so I don't have to write shit-tastic sentences like these. Still, I'm now a shoo-in for the Guinness 'most uses of the words Mortal Kombat in a paragraph' world record.

Anywho, yes. Last time we caught up with the upcoming tenth release, Ermac was doing his thing as only Ermac can. His new joint-contorting, pulling-Sub-Zero's-guts-out-through-his-mouth-using-psychic-powers Fatality is among the grisliest the series has seen.

But does it rank highest on the gore-o-meter? It's too early to say, natch, as we've only seen a little of what X has to offer. But while we're still waiting on that agonising April 14 release date, let's take a look back. Let's party like it's 2011, and skewer heads Mortal Kombat (see the first paragraph) style.

Here, courtesy of StylishGaz, is a countdown of the Top 15 Gruesome Fatalities from the last installment. From Kratos slashing some poor bastard's half a body in half, to Baraka's claw-y meat-spinny thing, to Goro simply pulling his opponent's body in half as they explode in a meaty mess, there's something for everyone right here. Check it out.

Shelly Scholten Bikini Pictures Flash Sweet Seat Meat In Malibu

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 10:37 AM PDT

Shelly Scholten is a fitness trainer and a model and a remarkably hot bodied entry into the fancy if not feckless bottled water bikini pimping line of girls prancing through the Malibu waters. There is arguing marketing effectiveness, there is no arguing how badly you wish Shelly would return to your blanket on the beach after her bikini shoot and say something like ‘man, having my picture taken makes me super horny’. Dare to dream the unlikely.

Shelly flashed her quite fit and ripe and ridiculously stellar body like a true pro pretty damn sure she carries no extra body fat around in places she’s not aware. I’ve done a careful twenty minute examination of my own and I must concur. Simply bikini body perfection. Wow, that tight little thumper. I do believe I need some electrolytes, stat. A Gatorade and Shelly in just her thong bottom ought to do the trick. In fact, just skip the Gatorade. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Blonde Playmate Gia Genevieve Topless for Lui

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 10:16 AM PDT

Click To See Uncensored

Naturally, making the cover of Playboy magazine as Gia Genevieve did this current month, is going to give you quite the boost in your career as a blonde hottie. It doesn’t hurt when you back that up with some quite alluring topless photos in Lui magazine, establishing your bold credentials ad a young woman who knows just how hot she is and just what to do about it. Make men suffer happiness just that much more. The tease. Oh, the tease.

All I know is Gia Genevieve is going places and that I want to go with her. Somebody needs to hold onto her clothes she keeps taking off for her photoshoots. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to beg to do it. I know how to fold a bra. And contain my deep felt lust for girls like Gia until two beers have passed my lips, at which point I become a bumbling overly-honest romantic. Be kind to me, Gia, I did fold your bras. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Lui Magazine

Kelly Brook Asstastic Cheek Peek in L.A.

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 09:40 AM PDT

I don’t know what you call this outfit Kelly Brook is tooting about L.A. in, but I call it a little slice of heaven. Or a little sneak peek of her other worldly booty cheeks which have given so much tingly good feelings to so many people for so long now. We probably out to give them a medal. I know I’d like to be the one who pins it on Kelly’s derriere.

Having now relocated to warm sunny L.A., no offense London, you have nice museums, we’ve had the chance to see more and more of Kelly Brook skin in public than ever before. There’s no sweaters and coverup clothing in L.A. nine months out of the year. You workout and you flaunt it, daily. Including some all too short loose bottoms that flash some inches of your sextastic curvy bottom. Just knowing those round mounds of faptastic are in my local environs is giving me the chills. I think I need to unfog my binoculars, if you know what I’m saying. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/PacificCoastNews

Gaming’s Whacked Out Week: Dead or Alive and Senran Kagura Unite for Twice the Boobtastic

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 09:30 AM PDT

Whacked- Dead or Senran

Darn it, Destructoid. You just beat me to that ‘breast collaboration' joke.

Anywho, to business. If you have even a passing knowledge of the gaming world, you'll probably know Dead or Alive's boobtastic reputation. Developer Team Ninja and their perky pugilists have been defying gravity and bathing suit size decency laws for years now. The latest release added that fancy new 'clothing gets more seethrough as the match goes on and fighters get sweatier' tech, just so you know what you're dealing with.

A little more obscure –but no less ogly– is Senran Kagura. It's all about toontastic lady ninjas, with similarly skimpy outfits and supersized chesticles. Combined, these two franchises are almost as dedicated to all things ladylumps as we are. And we don't say that lightly, natch.

This week, Dead or Alive and Senran Kagura combined forces, resulting in a tide of boobtastic the world has never seen. Well, kinda sorta. It resulted in exploding costumes, at any rate.

Yep, this week in Japan (because where else) a selection of Senran Kagura DLC costumes hit Dead or Alive 5: Last Round. The fighter is known for its destructible arenas and heavy impacts, and now we've adding this to the mix. Check out the delightfully pervtastic results of a heavy hit in these new outfits:

Ginta Lapina Sextastic Swell Body Shots in Lingerie

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 09:03 AM PDT

Ginta Lapina is perhaps the most famous blonde model you’ve not heard of. The darling of many European magazines and commercial advertisements, the sextastic Latvian blonde often lends herself to high class fashion and lingerie campaigns, like this pictorial bit of wonderment for the La Senza brand. She has that certain, come hither and check out my panties, kind of passion inducement set of skills that translate quite well into sales. I myself will likely add a few new items to my shame closet of silky lady’s things. I’m told it’s more healthy to indulge than deny.

Ginta I think married some super rich dude, as these things go, which might explain the decrease in her work efforts. When I marry my billionaire heiress, well, let’s just say, I shall miss you all. But I’ll send you postcards from the summer mansion in San Remo. I admire people who work even when they don’t have to, I just don’t intend to be like them. Put me in the camp with Ginta Lapina. Please. Enjoy.

Photo Credit: La Senza

Stephanie Borja Topless Yacht Striptease Para Hombre

Posted: 27 Mar 2015 08:59 AM PDT

There’s something about those brunette South of the Border model ladies that float my boat. Or yacht. Some day it’ll just be me and Pitbull and forty sextastic Latinas partying on my 40-foot sloop and I’ll knock Pitbull over the side, because he’s annoying and I can do the math. Mexican model Stephanie Borja can definitely come. Based on this visual application, I’d say she’s ready for some high seasons exhibitionism.

Featured in this month’s Hombre magazine, the premiere lads magazine for the boys down South, Stephanie shows why you really do need a boat of your own. Dock it and they will come. The lust inducing Latina like Stephanie with just the right amount of shyness, as in not all that much. Oh, that body on Stephanie when her clothes come off. Perfecto! Enjoy.

Photo Credit: Hombre Magazine

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